Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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