Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
