I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
