she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
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