I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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