He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
