I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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