be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
