you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
