he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize