Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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