Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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