I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Holy sore nipples Batman
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
