I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
