it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize