I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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