I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
