I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
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