you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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