Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize