i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
