before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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