They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
