i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Everyone says I win the strip club
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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