Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
