so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize
