I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
