did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
