I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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