im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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