Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Randomize
