So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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