i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
