At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
