dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
