I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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