running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
