I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
