he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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