I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
