so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
