Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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