You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
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