I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
