Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
