You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
