He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
