I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
