My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
