I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
