Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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