i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
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