Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
