Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
