i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
