Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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