And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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