i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
